Okay, first of all, I’m SORRY about this post, because it’s yet again another “I hate my life, fuck off, I want to die!” rant. I’m sick of it, and you guys probably are, too, but I’m so confused right now, and I don’t even know what the fuck is happening, so feel free to ignore this shit.
So, I went to the new psychiatrist today. I was pissed, because it was ended up being a male doctor, and I was like, “Dude, I requested a female, wtf?” but I decided I wouldn’t argue, considering the crappy ups and downs I’ve been having. But, then, I go into the guy’s office, and he starts asking me all these questions, all totally similar to the questions I was asked back at the NH psychiatric office, and I tell him basically the same things about how I’m suicidal and all that shit, and he doesn’t freak out about it. He was totally calm about it, not like the NH people, who fuckin’ started out filling out emergency paperwork and had me sent to the hospital here. So, whatever, that’s great, and then he continues asking questions and leaves for a while. When he comes back he gives me two prescriptions, and I’m like, “Okay, what are these for?” and he tells me, “You need sleep medication, because your sleeping is irregular. Oh, and you’re probably bipolar, so here’s a prescription for that.”
Great. Just fucking great. I DO NOT want to be bipolar, that shit is fucking permanent, not like depression, where I could eventually STOP TAKING the medication once I worked things out and started feeling better. But, bipolar? Bi-fucking-polar? And, the thing is, he doesn’t even TELL ME ANYTHING about it. He’s just like, “Here. Take this for two weeks, come back, and we’ll see how it works.”
So, I’m fucking miserable for the rest of the day, and my mom admits she was suspicious it was bipolar, too, because my uncle was bipolar and so is my grandmother. But, what the hell, why did I get “diagnosed” so fucking quickly? I’m totally convinced that guy is wrong. Because bipolar? Really? Fucking really? And, I bring home all these retarded pamphlets and shit and I’m going over the stupid “quizzes,” and each one, based on how I answered my questions, “diagnosed” me with Bipolar 1 and that is what the dude told me I probably had (not Bipolar 2, whatever the fuck that is), but… this happened WAY TOO QUICKLY, and it was based on the ten fucking minutes I spent answering his shit.
And I just fucking took the pill, called Aripiprazole or something I can’t even pronounce, and I feel sick to my stomach. I’m nauseated and dizzy, and just fuck, I hate everything right now. I'm confused, I don’t know if I'm really bipolar, and I’m staring at the fucking prescription he gave me, and I just want to cry. I just want to bawl my eyes out.
Bipolar... Jesus Christ. Fucking jolly good times.