FINGERBANG. BANG! BANG!

Mr. Doctor Man said the first two weeks would be rough, BUT GODDAMN.

I’M SEEING LITTLE PINK CHRISTINA AGUILERA MONSTERS.

BUT I THINK THAT’S TO BE EXPECTED.

Not really, but I might as well be seeing them. I threw up four times in the past two days, slept for over 16 hours today, and lost my ability to concentrate on ANYTHING.

lol, i hate my life.

Okay, first of all, I’m SORRY about this post, because it’s yet again another “I hate my life, fuck off, I want to die!” rant. I’m sick of it, and you guys probably are, too, but I’m so confused right now, and I don’t even know what the fuck is happening, so feel free to ignore this shit.

So, I went to the new psychiatrist today. I was pissed, because it was ended up being a male doctor, and I was like, “Dude, I requested a female, wtf?” but I decided I wouldn’t argue, considering the crappy ups and downs I’ve been having. But, then, I go into the guy’s office, and he starts asking me all these questions, all totally similar to the questions I was asked back at the NH psychiatric office, and I tell him basically the same things about how I’m suicidal and all that shit, and he doesn’t freak out about it. He was totally calm about it, not like the NH people, who fuckin’ started out filling out emergency paperwork and had me sent to the hospital here. So, whatever, that’s great, and then he continues asking questions and leaves for a while. When he comes back he gives me two prescriptions, and I’m like, “Okay, what are these for?” and he tells me, “You need sleep medication, because your sleeping is irregular. Oh, and you’re probably bipolar, so here’s a prescription for that.”

Great. Just fucking great. I DO NOT want to be bipolar, that shit is fucking permanent, not like depression, where I could eventually STOP TAKING the medication once I worked things out and started feeling better. But, bipolar? Bi-fucking-polar? And, the thing is, he doesn’t even TELL ME ANYTHING about it. He’s just like, “Here. Take this for two weeks, come back, and we’ll see how it works.”

So, I’m fucking miserable for the rest of the day, and my mom admits she was suspicious it was bipolar, too, because my uncle was bipolar and so is my grandmother. But, what the hell, why did I get “diagnosed” so fucking quickly? I’m totally convinced that guy is wrong. Because bipolar? Really? Fucking really? And, I bring home all these retarded pamphlets and shit and I’m going over the stupid “quizzes,” and each one, based on how I answered my questions, “diagnosed” me with Bipolar 1 and that is what the dude told me I probably had (not Bipolar 2, whatever the fuck that is), but… this happened WAY TOO QUICKLY, and it was based on the ten fucking minutes I spent answering his shit.

And I just fucking took the pill, called Aripiprazole or something I can’t even pronounce, and I feel sick to my stomach. I’m nauseated and dizzy, and just fuck, I hate everything right now. I'm confused, I don’t know if I'm really bipolar, and I’m staring at the fucking prescription he gave me, and I just want to cry. I just want to bawl my eyes out.

Bipolar... Jesus Christ. Fucking jolly good times.

AHAHAHAHA! Omg, I'm dead inside. South Park was so great tonight, great in a way that made me want to cry with happiness. I definitely think this is my favorite episode of season 12. I know there's one episode left of the season, but I doubt next week's episode will top this week's. XD I've seen the High School Musical movies, including the third, because goddammit, they're so horribly cheesy and entertaining at the same time. AND I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT THOSE SONGS ARE CATCHY. I WON'T APOLOGIZE. Plus, dude, there's totally incest in those movies, and it makes Bianca happy.

But, anyway, I'm so fucken happy Matt and Trey made fun of the movies, all three of them. Those movies really do deserve it after being so praised by, like, everyone and their mom. I'm so happy right now, man. It was all so very amazing, and I loved Stan's desperation throughout the episode. OH GOD, and all four of them were soooo cute dancing at the very end. KYLE KILLED ME WHEN HE TOOK OFF HIS HAT, ahahaha.

I also loved Craig still being bitter about the whole Peru thing. That made me lul. OH GOD, EVERYTHING IN THIS EPISODE WAS SO GOOD. ;_; Thank you, Matt and Trey.

After this episode I'm totally in the mood for some singing and dancing and all that great shizzle. I think I am going to go watch the South Park movie now and bask in its glory.

Oh, my God! Someone ate all the ramen noodles in my house and didn't even bother to write it down on the shopping list! Now it's 2:30 a.m., Bianca's hungry, and she HAS NO RAMEN. And, so, I settled for rice instead, and then I burnt my tongue eating it, because I was impatient and didn't wait long enough for it to cool off.

WHHHHHHHHYYYYYY?

Okay. Anyway. Back to writing Resident Evil fanfic. Luuuuuuuuulz.

ETA: LAWL OMG THIS SHIT IS AMAZING. I WANNA FIND THIS KID SO BAD AND JUST TELL HIM TO GET OFF THE FUCKIN INTERNET. I'm luling SOOOO hard over this kid. Omg, all at his expense, too. I DON'T CARE, THIS IS FUCKIN GENIUS, I LOVE IT.

"I’m sick and tired of all… of all you hackers!!!!!!" <<< LULZ, THE WAY HE POINTS AT THE CAMERA, AHHAHAHAAHA.

OKAY, I DON’T GO ONLINE FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS, AND I COME BACK AND LIVEJOURNAL HAS A NEW PROFILE LAYOUT, WTF WTF WTF. My eyes, they buuurn. It’s going to take forever to get used to it! WHUT.

Things are getting better. Already. It’s almost amazing. I can’t believe how good I feel at the moment. I know it’s going to disappear soon, because that’s how it always is with me (constantly up and down, never knowing what to expect), but I think I’m a little better now. I have an appointment this upcoming Thursday, and hopefully they can get me started on some medication. I still don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, I’m totally convinced I have some new mental illness no one even knows about, because it’s almost like no one can figure it out, myself included. Oh, well. They can call it “The Bianca Syndrome.” That’d be sort of cool, I guess.

In order to take my mind off of shit, I’ve rearranged my room. Once I completely finish I’ll take pictures of it. I have a lot more to do, but I really like how I re-decorated everything. This morning, when I put back up all my posters—all the ones that I had brought to college, that is—I just looked around and felt so happy. My room finally feels like MY ROOM again. It really sucked when I came home on weekends just to see my walls bare.

Okay, I have a new South of Nowhere to watch. I hear Spencer is whoring it up with that new girl. Hopefully there’s more UST between Kyla and Ashley, too, because right now, I could really use some incest. Luuuuuuuulz. After that I’m going to read some porn, and play some Resident Evil. Golly, the freedom of being home. It’s so… therapeutic.

ETA: JUST STARTED WATCHING SOUTH OF NOWHERE, BUT I HAD TO PAUSE, BECAUSE OF THIS:

ASHLEY: My stupid sister and her ex-manager decided to make a video, and now it’s all over the internet.

SPENCER: Oh, my God! Is she naked?

ASHLEY: No, I wish!

LOL, WHUT. I know Ashley was saying that it would’ve been better if it were some sex video as opposed to the actual video of Kyla saying all that trash about their personal lives, but ohmygod, I lul’d so hard at that. The incest is becoming canon, I swear!

Okay, back to watching!

First of all, everyone who replied to my last post, thank you. Part of me doesn’t feel like I deserve such loving words from you guys, but it really did help. I only recently read them, and between the time I posted it and right now as I’m posting this entry, I had a complete meltdown, which was not good, considering I went to see that psychiatrist yesterday. This wasn’t the same lady I was seeing before (my actual therapist); it was a different lady I had to see so she could diagnose me/prescribe me something.

Unfortunately, because I was in such a dark place at the time, I admitted a lot of things, and she had to fill out emergency paperwork regarding what I told her. Because of this, I’m leaving to go back to Connecticut, where they decided to send me to a behavioral clinic for a few days. I’ve also (with the help of my mother) decided to leave school. I packed and left this morning, only a few hours ago. I doubt I’ll ever return to that shitty school, but as for what I am going to do about school later on, I haven’t fully decided. I’m not really going to concern myself by worrying about it right now—I’d prefer to just focus on getting better. I’m not sure how long I am going to be in the clinic, but please know that everything you guys said to me in my previous post really meant the world. I’ll keep all your words in my head the next few days.

Also, to Amanda and Brittany: I’m really, really sorry I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. Everything happened so fast, and I barely had time to tell my roommate. But, I honestly love you guys, and even though I won’t miss Chester, I will miss you two. I want very badly to stay in touch with you guys, because you really made me feel good for the short time we starting talking. Again, I’m really sorry, and I would’ve preferred to have said this in-person, but maybe it’s better this way, because right now, I’m a wreck.

Also, yay Obama won. <3 I woke up at 2 a.m. last night and put on the news, and I started crying, because all that imagery of people cheering and crying, and then seeing Obama's speech... I mean, wow, for once I feel like something is going to change for the better in this country. I know this sounds really retarded, but right now, I’m so proud to be an American, and I’m so proud that I voted for Obama. Go, America, GO.

I’m not posting this for attention, please do not mistake it for that. But I need to get this out, because no one is willing to listen to me here. They all think I overreact to everything that happens, but that’s not it. I’m falling apart completely. I’ve never felt this way and I need to get it out before I go crazy.

All I’ve been doing is crying today. I’ve never felt so worthless in all my life, and all I want to do is die. Everything I try I fail at, and I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore, and it’s almost like everything people tell me just confirms that I’m nothing. I can’t even take it anymore, I just cry and cry and nothing makes me feel better. I’ve honestly never wanted to die so much in all my life. I don’t even see the point of living right now. I’ve done nothing that makes me feel accomplished and everything I attempt is shit, and I’ll never get better at any of it.

I just want to die. I’m miserable and everything around me is tearing me apart. I can’t even control my thoughts anymore. I think all these horrible things and they don’t go away even though I’m aware they are happening, but they don’t stop. If anything, the more I recognize these thoughts the worse I feel because it’s like they’re telling me to just give up on myself, and I don’t know what to do about any of it. Why do I always have to fail at everything? Why can’t I ever do anything right that makes me proud of myself and the people around me proud?

I spent the last hour and a half crying in my car, thinking of ways to just end it all, because I’m such a disappointment and everything I do ends up in failure. I hate this and I hate myself. Nothing matters anymore, and I want to start over. I want a fresh start where I don’t have to make such stupid and miserable mistakes that hurt people around me. I don’t even know why people choose to look at me, because it’s so obvious that I’ll never amount to anything, so what’s the point

I can’t go to sleep, because there are too many thoughts in my head right now and they won’t stop racing. One minute I’m shivering and I need to be under my blanket and the next second I’m sweating and unable to keep my breath, like I’m panicking, but nothing is happening around me. And then I’m zoning out because my body is hurting so much.

I just need to go to sleep. I don’t know if I will go to any of my classes tomorrow. I have this stupid fucking appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and I don’t even want to know what’s wrong with me, because I feel like all it will do is upset me more. I’m just praying that I will wake up tomorrow not feeling so down on myself, and maybe it will all be better, because right now I feel like shit.

Okay, screw therapy.

I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

And, it's all because of South Park. ZOMG.

Seriously, man. Craig is just amazing. I want that kid in more episodes NAO. He's so unscathed by everything, and it cracks me up. OhmyGod, and when he broke out with saying how things would make him "soooo happy," I just died. I never thought he'd say it again, but he did, and zomg. OH, CRAIG, YOU ARE SO GREAT. I dream of an episode that focuses on Craig and his friends (Clyde, Token and Tweek--NO JIMMY ALLOWED, KTHXBYE). I CAN DREAM, CAN'T I?

I thought Shelley was really cute in this episode. LIKE WHUT. I mean, I like Shelley, but sometimes I never pay attention to her (although I've totally missed her ever since she started going MIA in episodes), but awww, mannnn, she was just adorable in this episode.

Oh, and there was a Butters sighting. Thankfully he didn't do much, so there was no time for me to get aggravated. XD

Guinea pigs dressed up. Omg, it was so fookin' ridiculous and dumb that I just loved it for everything it was. I'm really surprised there was nothing mentioned about Craig's guinea pig, Stripe, though. Like, I know it was basically a throwaway joke in Tweek VS Craig and it was never mentioned again, but it seems so odd that in a Craig-centered episode that INVOLVED guinea pigs, there was never a mention about how Craig owned one. It probably died, luuulz.

I had a lot of lulz in this episode, for which I am so very very glad. This second half of season 12 is shaping up so nicely, and I just pray the remaining episodes are just as good. Otherwise, I will cry and kill myself.

I should probably go to bed now. 9 a.m. classes suck balls, wooez.